No really. Like I seriously remembered that this space exists, which is an odd feeling, because that clearly means that I somehow managed to entirely forget it for some span of time that is more than a few weeks but probably less than a few months.
I was thinking about writing, but not in a “maybe I’ll eventually finish the work I started last November with NaNoWriMo (which I finally won, amazingly enough mostly to me) way.” More in a “I am thinking all these thoughts about these various topics and the common threads woven throughout are interesting to me, and hey wait, that sounds suspiciously like a theme” kind of way.
Sometimes I feel like my life is moving so quickly that I can’t just pin it down long enough to capture what happens when. I have fleeting moments on my cell phone camera, Facebook and – rarely – Twitter, but they are fleeting indeed. I haven’t been capturing anything in a meaningful way as of late, but I truly do have the sensation that Big Things are happening. I realize that they are going to be of import mainly to me and perhaps a bit to my family, so it seems a bit narcissistic to want to record them. Even more so to think, “Maybe I could blog about that,” which is the thought that prompted the reminder that I do, in fact, have a blog.
But here I am, thinking out loud, wondering if I should go for it.
And if I should go for it, under which set of conditions?
This space, once so much about WoW and my online community, is something I haven’t been willing to let go of. This space defined me in ways that I never anticipated it might when I first started. It brought me people I wouldn’t trade for anything and occasionally people I might have gleefully punched in the face given even half a chance to do so.
But time passes, as is its usual wont, and I have changed again, perhaps more dramatically. I’m actively working to get plugged back into a community I once thought I would despise forever, having abandoned it in hurt and anger half my lifetime ago. I’m learning so much about love and grace and all the ways in which I have been small and stubborn and wrong.
I hope I’ve grown up a bit more, though I really don’t suspect anyone will ever accuse me of being terribly mature. In fact, having recently spent a week hanging out with my best friend, whom I have known since I was nine, I am convinced that none of us are really growing up so much as we are merely growing older. We only need to get back together to prove that we will always find the same stupid things to be funny and are probably not to be trusted to make good decisions about how much food and/or booze ought to be consumed at any one sitting.
Anyhow, whatever this space once was, it will never be that again. I could redefine it, but in a way that doesn’t make sense even to me, that doesn’t seem right either. I can’t think of a single person who ever cared about that Alas, however little or much, who might care a whit about this Alas, this woman who is in the midst of a personal revival, who is falling in love all over again with Jesus.
But it’s also not at all about what other people might think or how other people might feel, whether it’s good or bad.
So I struggle to understand what it is in me that defaults to putting my thoughts out for anyone to come by and see. Is it vanity? I don’t think so. If it were, I think I would work a lot harder at crafting coherent narratives. Is it the chance for dialogue? Perhaps. Even for introverts, community is a bone deep need.
At the end of this post, I don’t know what I will do as I move forward. I do know that putting words to paper, as always, helps me to clarify things for myself. Perhaps the answer is to write privately for myself. Perhaps it will be to start again, elsewhere, hoping that my ramblings about prodigals and elder sons will make sense to someone. Or perhaps I will remake this space and it will become about different people, from myself to anyone who might accidentally stumble across it.
When I made my first post here, I had no idea where it might take me. I still don’t. But as before, I am freshly excited to write once more.